humour wanda the fish

WANDA THE FISH

In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come into
use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather
which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy.
        -- Mark Twain



Knucklehead:    "Knock, knock"
Pee Wee:    "Who's there?"
Knucklehead:    "Little ol' lady."
Pee Wee:    "Liddle ol' lady who?"
Knucklehead:    "I didn't know you could yodel"

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#    QUOTES
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I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
        -- Mark Twain

Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do.
Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.
        -- Mark Twain

All say, "How hard it is that we have to die"--a strange complaint to come from
the mouths of people who have had to live.
        -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"

Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side?  And hain't that a big
enough majority in any town?
        -- Mark Twain, "Huckleberry Finn"

Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral?  It is because we
are not the person involved.
        -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
       
Training is everything.  The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is
nothing but cabbage with a college education.
        -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
       
Consider well the proportions of things. It is better to be a young June-bug
than an old bird of paradise.
        -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"               
       
Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time
to reform.
        -- Mark Twain
       
Water, taken in moderation cannot hurt anybody.
        -- Mark Twain
       
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining
and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
        -- Mark Twain                       

For years a secret shame destroyed my peace--
I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece.
But now I think a thought that brings me hope:
Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope.
        -- Justin Richardson.

question = ( to ) ? be : ! be;
        -- Wm. Shakespeare

Talkers are no good doers.
        -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"

Seeing that death, a necessary end,
Will come when it will come.
        -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
       
Conscience doth make cowards of us all.
        -- Shakespeare       


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#    LITE(tm)
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A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)
    -- by Charles Dickens

    A man in love with a girl who loves another man who looks just
    like him has his head chopped off in France because of a mean
    lady who knits.

Crime and Punishment LITE(tm)
    -- by Fyodor Dostoevski

    A man sends a nasty letter to a pawnbroker, but later
    feels guilty and apologizes.

The Odyssey LITE(tm)
    -- by Homer

    After working late, a valiant warrior gets lost on his way home.

A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)
    -- by Charles Dickens

    A lawyer who looks like a French Nobleman is executed in his place.

The Metamorphosis LITE(tm)
    -- by Franz Kafka

    A man turns into a bug and his family gets annoyed.

Lord of the Rings LITE(tm)
    -- by J. R. R. Tolkien

    Some guys take a long vacation to throw a ring into a volcano.

Hamlet LITE(tm)
    -- by Wm. Shakespeare

    A college student on vacation with family problems, a screwy
    girl-friend and a mother who won't act her age.

Well, anyway, I was reading this James Bond book, and right away I realized
that like most books, it had too many words.  The plot was the same one that
all James Bond books have: An evil person tries to blow up the world, but
James Bond kills him and his henchmen and makes love to several attractive
women.  There, that's it: 24 words.  But the guy who wrote the book took
*thousands* of words to say it.
    Or consider "The Brothers Karamazov", by the famous Russian alcoholic
Fyodor Dostoyevsky.  It's about these two brothers who kill their father.
Or maybe only one of them kills the father.  It's impossible to tell because
what they mostly do is talk for nearly a thousand pages.  If all Russians talk
as much as the Karamazovs did, I don't see how they found time to become a
major world power.
    I'm told that Dostoyevsky wrote "The Brothers Karamazov" to raise
the question of whether there is a God.  So why didn't he just come right
out and say: "Is there a God? It sure beats the heck out of me."
    Other famous works could easily have been summarized in a few words:

* "Moby Dick" -- Don't mess around with large whales because they symbolize
  nature and will kill you.
* "A Tale of Two Cities" -- French people are crazy.
        -- Dave Barry